OK, OK, you can’t start reading this article on this god-awful watches without doing the following first – I am trying trying to give you the full Greiner experience! Click the following link that will open in a new window. Start the video about Greiner, and ideally have it playing in a window next to this one. I really Gunter himself to present his ballet of “automatons doing it” in one of his watches personally to you.
Hailing out of Schondorf in Germany (where else would “Schondorf” be?), Greiner is a watch store and workshop. These guys make some delicate hand engraved mechanical watches (that seem like a bit of a waste of time if you are trying to actually sell them). Along with them being quite silly erotic timepieces, they are probably the most amusingly ridiculous erotic watches that I have ever seen (that yes, makes me laugh like my name is Hans and I am in grade school in Rechberghausen!). “Handmade in Schorndorf” baby! My favorite has to be the Taktlos Golf. Just an innocent day playing golf looking like a 6th grader drew you, until before you know it, you are “hitting a whole in one with your club” with the caddy over the golf cart (or shall is say golf kart?).
Some of these watches have a real “workshop feel to them.” Others have more refined looks. Greiner uses us a variety of movements and meticulously hand engraves them (probably while sitting over his desk sweating and murmuring to himself “mother, do you like me now?).” I must admit his ability to engrave designs and items, is much better than people and scenes. Though I will give him full respect, as engraving such miniatures is a pain. Though if you are indulging your prurient interests by engraving people engaged in carnal acts while looking under a microscope, you are probably a bit compulsive, and quite weird.
Watch cases come in various sizes depending on the movement and are mostly in 18k gold, or platinum (yes my precious!). The movements enhanced by the addition of gold figurines and often in the dials and case backs around the movement. Crystals are sapphire, and meant to give you a cheeky view into the action (this is seriously what this guy fantasizes about). This is when Gunter winks at you and shows you “zee good times.”
Most of Greiner’s watches are highly limited, or totally unique. Where DOES he get his ideas? One thing I found fascinating was the watch hands that are sometimes actually two pieces of a woman. The legs being the minute hand, while the torso being the hour hand. Also, most of the watches have an additional pusher on the side of the case. This is to force those golden idols to perform lascivious tasks. Is this how rich billionaires come of age? Quite literally, this is “platinum porn,” and of the lowest quality.
Second best watch here is the Taktlos Car. The dial features our lovers dancing in the moon light to “The Monkeys” while spending time in some third-world beach resort with palm trees and thatch roof huts. Their ride is a classic Volkswagen Beetle (in solid gold!). The watch hands apparently are a naked version of the “I dream of Genie” chick. Turn the Taktlos Car over to find Don Juan over here back at the plantation doing something between… coitus and cunnilingus to his lady on the hood of the Beetle. Most likely the worst car hood on the planet for sex. Press the pusher on the side of the case for a scene of what can best be described as ” Special edition gold-coated Barbie gone wild.”
Other pieces here include the Taktlos Multiple (12,4, and 8 numerals on the dial), and and orgy on the rear; the Taktlos Biker; and a few versions of the Taktlos Movie watches. You can see more details about these and more piece on this Singaporean site here that is likely a Greiner dealer. Is it art? Sure. Obscene? Only if you are the groin police. Amusing? For me, of course. Otherwise, you’ll need to figure out how amusing a workshop “luxury watch” with oddly rendered naked people engraved from gold having sex, is to you. Thank you Gunter.
See erotic watches on eBay here.