WTF Alpina? Seriously, is this a joke? Does this watch suffer from hereditary dwarfism? Can you even call a 44mm wide watch a dwarf? Oh, I am sorry, I meant “little watch.” No, the watch is the right size, but the hands, those sad pathetic looking hands, are shrunken at the least. Look at them looking all sad? Even the chronograph subdial hands feel bigger.

I have no clue what Alpina was thinking when their designer approved the hands on this Startimer Classic Automatic Chronograph watch. More like TinyTimer. This is exactly the type of crap that pisses me off. This watch makes me want to yell obscenities. Everything else about this watch is fine if you are going for that retro chronograph watch look – but those hands, what the hell is up with those stupid tiny hands? This isn’t just a mistake, this is horological abuse.

Do I need to even explain to anyone why or how the hour, minute, and chronograph seconds hands are small beyond excuse? Maybe this is a joke. Maybe Alpina is just messing with me. I can see them in Geneva giggling like 7th grade pranksters. “E-mail it to Ariel, make sure he thinks it is serious! Huh hu, he is gonna flip!” It wouldn’t be the first time…

The watch dial even has a pulsograph for measuring pulse. Pretty worthless with those hands. The chronograph seconds hand only goes so far as the start of the hour indicators. WHY?! Screw it, I don’t even want to be nice or attempt to figure this out anymore. If you are the person who designed this dial then please never be in the same room with me. You not only embarrass an otherwise decent brand, but you display with incredible clarity just how inept you are a watch or industrial designer. Go back to making dollhouses. Repugnant. This watch gives me vertigo and makes we want to give up analog watches altogether and buy a digital Casio.

If you haven’t had enough short-handedness or simply don’t get the point of what I am saying, click over here for more.

P.S. Had I not been so overtaken with the teeny tiny hands I might have also commented that as a chronograph watch this piece appears to have no chronograph pushers as well!

UPDATE: Alpina figured out the problem and “fixed” the Startimer Classic Chronograph. After all has been said and done here is the piece you’ll be able to buy. All cleaned up and pretty: